Dear Anonymous,
I still hear you in every Billie Holiday song, in the raspy texture of Louis Armstrong’s voice, in the swing of Ella Fitzgerald. Do you remember? Our last moments together, the last time you saw, looked into my eyes? I sang Ella Fitzgerald’s ‘Paper Moon’ for you. I still remember. You looked at me in awe, “for me?” your eyes asked. “You’re singing for me?” I will always sing for you. I lose you sometimes in the haze of life. Days go by and I see a man of your posture in the store, everything comes rushing back. I think I push you away because I know I do not want to feel it.
The last two years were a marathon, or more accurately a sprint. Chasing cures, chasing drugs. Time falling through our grip until there was nothing else to hold. Nothing except Ella’s sweet voice. What I underestimated was the chaos. I did not realize the stability and comfort you brought to my life, until it was taken from me. Your gentle strength watching over me. To hear your voice again, to have one more conversation, nothing special. Just to listen to you describe your lunch or how the garden blooms. You taught me to savor the small things, to hold on to the silly conversations about the weather or the traffic. You taught me to savor the people, to love them now while you have them.
It is selfish but I wish you could see me now. I wish you could see the person I have become. Like I say, it is selfish, but I want your approval. I want to feel your pride when I tell you about my studies, or read you my many poems. They say I am strong, but that is an illusion. I only appear strong because I was forced to become. In reality, you were the strong one. You fought the battle and accepted defeat when it was the last thing you wanted. You underwent pain, suffered through things that made you weak, a thousand needle pricks, you lost yourself even, but came back. Always gentle and kind. You saved me and her a hundred times.
I remember it was October and you fell in and out of losing yourself. I visited you in the hospital and held your fragile hand. I looked into your eyes and said I love you, said I would be right back to say goodbye. But, I left before I could. Those last words I heard you say were I love you too. I never said goodbye. If only I knew. If only I could cast a spell, go back to that time, summon the courage to re-enter the room and say goodbye, but I was running. If only, if only. A million regrets could never bring you back now.
As time pulls me further, you dance in and out of my mind. When I see you in dreams I pull you close, I scream I love you, so that maybe you will hear. I try to preserve your memory. As time dulls the pains and washes you into an impression. I hope to grow strong enough to feel you. I hope to grow strong enough to see you again. For now, the days pass and I pray for relief. I pray for acceptance. I pray to surrender.
She told me you loved me most and I am grateful for the honor.
Thank you for existing.
Always, with love
